When we lose a friend or acquaintance, we often find ourselves wanting to offer support but unsure of what to say or do to alleviate their pain. It’s completely natural to feel this way. The purpose of these guides and responses to commonly asked questions about funeral and grief etiquette is to assist you in providing comfort to the bereaved in a compassionate and considerate manner.

An obituary is more than a simple farewell; it is a profound reflection on the life of the departed, presented chronologically. It serves as a valuable record for future generations, contributing to the preservation and understanding of family histories.

Comprising several elements, an obituary not only announces the passing of an individual but also provides essential details regarding the upcoming services. The initial paragraph often encompasses the first three items, while the subsequent paragraph focuses on the survivors. The final paragraph concludes by outlining the arrangements for the services.

Always have another family member verify the obituary. Use your discretion and write from the heart.

Learn how (and why!) to write your own obituary.

Writing letters of condolence is a deeply personal endeavor that defies any set form. There is only one rule that should guide your pen: Speak from the heart. As soon as you learn of the loss, take a moment to sit down and let your thoughts and emotions flow towards the person you are writing to. Need a little inspiration to begin?

Here are some phrases to help you find your words:

How to write condolences and meaningful sympathy quotes.

Expressing sincere gratitude to those who supported you during the grieving process can be challenging. However, a few heartfelt words in your thank-you notes can go a long way in showing your appreciation. We hope the following suggestions will assist you in crafting a personal and genuine message for those you are grateful to.

While you may feel hesitant about intruding on the family during their grief, it is important to visit them. It lets the family know that while their friend or relative is gone, they are not alone; that while suffering a great loss, they are still connected to the living and that life will go on.

A visitation or a wake is an opportunity for friends, relatives, and acquaintances to pay their last respects to the deceased and offer their condolences to the bereaved family. This period can be emotionally charged, so it is crucial to practice sensitivity and respect. As a visitor, dress appropriately, usually in subdued colors, and maintain a calm and solemn demeanor. It is also customary to express your condolences to the family, sharing fond memories or anecdotes about the deceased person if you were acquainted. Remember, your presence alone can provide a great deal of comfort to the grieving family.

When Should I Visit?

Upon learning of a death, intimate friends of the family should visit the home to offer sympathy and ask if they can help. You may prefer to visit the family at the funeral home. This setting may be more comfortable for you and the family.

How Long Should I Stay at a Visitation?

It is only necessary to stay for a short time; fifteen minutes or so gives you enough time to express your sympathy. 

What Should I Say?

Using your own words, express your sympathy. Kind words about the person who has died are always appropriate. If the family wants to talk, they usually simply need to express their feelings; they aren’t necessarily looking for a response from you. The kindest response is usually a warm hug and a simple, “I understand.”

formal visitations provided through funeral homes give a time and place for friends to offer their expressions of sorrow and sympathy. This practice is most common among the Protestant and Catholic faiths. The obituary should tell you the visitation hours and when the family will be present, or you may call the funeral home for this information.

When you arrive, go to the family and express your sympathy with an embrace or by offering your hand. Don’t feel as though you must avoid talking about the person who has died. Talking can help the grieving process begin. If you were an acquaintance of the deceased but not well known to the family, immediately introduce yourself. Do not feel uncomfortable if you or the family members become emotional and begin to cry. Allowing the family to grieve is a natural healing process. However, if you find yourself becoming extremely upset, it would be kinder to excuse yourself so as not to increase the strain on the family.

Viewing the deceased is not mandatory. However, if offered by the family, it is customary to show your respects by viewing the deceased, and, if you desire, spend a few moments in silent prayer. Always sign your name in the register book. If you were a business associate of the deceased, it is appropriate to note your company affiliation or the family may not otherwise know you.

Your simple presence will mean a lot to the family. You do not need to stay for the entire visitation, but try not to leave during any prayers that are being offered. 

Email is suitable for individuals who are not closely acquainted with the family, such as a business associate or a former neighbor. Your message of concern will be greatly appreciated by the family. Many funeral homes allow visitors to send online condolences through their website. If you are unsure if sending an email is appropriate, err on the side of caution and send a handwritten note instead.

Here are some examples of sympathy email messages:

A handwritten sympathy note expresses personal feelings that can’t be conveyed in an email or through social media. A simple card with a heartfelt message is enough to show your support for the grieving family. Keep your message concise, sincere, and kind. If attending the funeral, it is appropriate to bring the note or card with you and give it to a family member in person. A sympathy note can also be sent after the funeral as a way to continue offering support and love.

Making a donation in honor of the deceased person is a touching way to show your sympathy and support. You can choose to donate to a charity that was meaningful to the deceased or their family, or you can make a donation to a related cause such as cancer research if the person passed away from an illness. Be sure to include a note with your donation stating who it is in honor of.

Receiving phone calls can be overwhelming for grieving family members, so it’s best to keep the call short and simple. Begin by expressing your sympathy and asking if there is anything you can do to help. If the family isn’t in a place to talk at that moment, offer to call back at a better time or simply express that you are thinking of them.

Flowers can be a great comfort to the family and may be sent to the funeral home or the residence. Some people prefer to send flowers to the residence afterwards. If the family asks that donations be made in lieu of flowers, you should honor that request.

The most welcome gift at this time is food as there may be several visitors in the house that need to be fed. During the days immediately following the death, substantial dishes that require little preparation other than reheating are appropriate.

Funeral services differ depending on the religious and personal beliefs of the family. Funeral services can be held at a church, temple, funeral home, or even the residence. Most folks will choose the funeral home, because of its central location or the unique service it provides.

Whether the service is held at the funeral home or at church, enter quietly and be seated. The first few rows are usually reserved for family members, however, people should sit close behind them to give comfort and support. The ceremony is usually conducted by a member of the clergy, but others may offer thoughts, anecdotes, or eulogies. After the service, you will want to leave promptly and wait in your car if you want to follow the procession to the cemetery. Remember to turn your emergency flashers and high-beam headlights on to be identified as part of the procession. 

Immediately after the funeral, the family sometimes invites the attendees to join them for food or a reception at their home or designated place. This gives everyone a chance to talk and provides some time to relax and refresh. Sometimes friends or church members will take it upon themselves to prepare food ahead of time for this gathering and relieve the family of this task.

What do I Say When I See the Family in Public?

What you say depends on if you’ve already had contact with them. If you attended the visitation or funeral, greet them warmly and ask them how they are doing. If this is your first meeting with them since the death, your first reaction might be to express your sympathy. However, it is nicer not to bring up the death as it might evoke emotions which might be painful for your friend to deal with in a public place. Perhaps it would be better just to say you understand this is a difficult time for them. You might even ask when it would be a good time to visit or go to lunch or dinner. 

What Can I Do to Help Later?

In the days and months to come, the family will continue to need your support. Try to write or call on a regular basis. Continue to include them in your social plans; they will let you know when they are ready to participate. It is also nice to remember the family on special occasions during the first year following the death. Don’t worry about bringing up the pain and emotion of the loss; they are well aware of that. By remembering such occasions as wedding anniversaries and birthdays, you are not remembering the death, but reaffirming that a life was lived.