Letters of Condolence

Intimate letters of condolence are too personal to follow a set form. One rule, and one only, should guide you in writing such letters: Say what you truly feel. Say that and nothing else. Sit down at your desk as soon as you hear of the death and let your thoughts be with the person you are writing to.

Don't dwell on the details of illness or the manner of death; don't, especially to a mother who has lost a child, try to convince her that her loss is a "blessing in disguise." Remember that a person with an aching heart will not wish to wade through interminable sorrowful thoughts. The more nearly a note can express your sympathy, and a genuine love or appreciation for the one who has gone, the greater comfort it brings.
Forget, if you can, that you are using written words. Think merely how you feel-then put your feelings on paper.

Suppose it is the death of a man who has left a place in the whole community that will be difficult, if not impossible, to fill. All you can think of is "Steve-what a wonderful man he was! I don't think anything will ever be the same again without him." Say just that! Ask if there is anything you can do at ay time to be of service. There is nothing more to be said. A line into which you have put a little of the genuine feeling that you had for Steve is worth pages of eloquence. A letter of condolence may be badly constructed, ungrammatical-never mind. Flowery language counts for nothing; sincerity alone is of value.

The few examples below are intended merely as suggested guides for those at a loss to construct a short but appropriate message.

Letter When Death Was a Release

It is difficult to write a letter to one whose loss is for the best in that you want to express sympathy but cannot feel sad that one who has suffered so long has found release. The expression of sympathy in this case should not be for the present death, but for the illness that started long ago. The grief for a paralyzed mother is for the stroke that cut her down many years before, and your sympathy is really for that. You might write: Your sorrow during all these years-and now-is in my heart; and all my thoughts and sympathy are with you.

To Whom Are Letters of Condolence Written?

Letters of condolence may be addressed in various ways. If you knew the deceased well but do not know his or her family, the note is addressed to the closest relative-usually the widow, the widower or the oldest child. Some like to add "and family" on the envelope, and this permissible when you feel that you are sending your sympathy to all rather than to one special person.

When you did not know the person who died but do know one of his or her relatives, you write to that person rather than to someone who might have been more closely related. In writing to a married person who has lost a parent you may write to the one whose parent it was, or if the other partner was close to his or her in-law the letter may be addressed to both.

Letters to children who have lost a parent may be addressed to Miss Lucy Field (the daughter), with Mr. John Field (the son) underneath. The salutation would read: "Dear Lucy and John."

I am sometimes asked if one should write to the surviving member of a divorced couple when the other dies. If they have maintained a friendly relationship, and you know that the survivor is truly upset by his or her ex-mate's death, naturally you should write. In most cases, however, the divorce indicates that they no longer wish to share each other's lives, so there is little need to send sympathy. The children of the divorced couple, even though they live with the surviving member, should receive notes if the deceased continued to be involved in their lives.

Reprinted from "Emily Post's Etiquette."